Oh Sh*t ... I'm Alive Forrealš«
IRL live-action self-reflection - post Netflix's Alice in Borderland binge
Let's rewind back to July of 2023. Do you remember that year when we were sure the Rona was over? When we were slowly creeping back out after a grueling socially-isolated hibernation? Well, I was still in a solo slumber... sinking deeper and deeper into self-loathing while trying to be the unicorn Black Woman that actually made it as a Full-Stack developer in tech š. But there was one thing that always permitted me to connect - my hidden addiction.
The deafening silence enveloped me in a whirlwind of emotions. I wasn't trying to ugly-cry, but the realization that I, too... was a human being, completely caught me off guard. You don't know this about me yet, but for so much of my life, I felt like an alien, not of this world, a fallen creature who had accidentally strayed too far from the ship. But despite what movies, television, social media, and that random White gay, not queer, dude down the street says.... Black (probably neurodivergent š„²) Women are humans, and are still valid even when we're not a caricature! Beautiful in all of our oils, curls, complexities, generosities, snappiness, and everything else in between. ā¤ļø
But sometimes, being surrounded by a world that tells you you're lesser than, at every chance they get, forces the dark thoughts that people project onto you to be absorbed into your psyche. This is a blog post I wrote in July of 2023, after I had just finished 2 seasons of Alice in Borderland. I stayed up until 6 am watching this on some nights. But this is the moment I finally stuck to what I said I'd do. š„²
July 7th, 2023 (original immaculate conception) š©š¾āš¼š¶š¾
There havenāt been many times in my life when Iāve been able to say that a show completely changed my life. Iām writing this post almost directly after finishing Alice in Borderland, and that in and of itself is a complete 180Ā° for me. While Iāve dreamt about starting a blog for the past 4 years, it took this show to actually get me to write my first blog post (2025 Dru: ... and damn it, I'm proud of you girl!)
āAlice in Borderland is a 2020 Japanese science fiction thriller drama streaming television series based on the manga by Haro Asoāā¦ āIt stars Kento Yamazaki and Tao Tsuchiya as allies trapped in an abandoned Tokyo forced to compete in dangerous games, the type and difficulty represented by playing cards, to extend "visas" that, if expired, result in the player's execution by lasers being shot from the sky.ā
I came upon this show by a complete fluke and luckily had no idea of what I was getting myself into. As a former video game addict, Fortnite to be specific, I was immediately drawn to the show upon realizing that it featured a fellow degenerate, GG's lol, named Arisu, who was also feeling stuck in life. Arisu was unable to motivate himself to go out into the Real World and get a job, find his own apartment, progress his life, to basically Adult, aka do all the things they say being a āproductiveā member of society entails. ā ļø
Coming from the same side of the tracks as Arisu, I havenāt had a ārealā job in 1.5 years. I've been trying to become a Full-Stack developer in an industry known to keep POC and Femmes out. Iām in recovery from gaming, but have just replaced gaming with visual media addiction, specifically YouTube, and Iāve shut myself into my room and my ācomfortableā life. My self-diagnosed social anxiety and agoraphobia keep me living in a constant state of fear and anxiety about the city Iām living in, most of my relationships, because people are human and almost all of them trigger my abandonment fears, and I feel massive shame and guilt because I feel like Iām burdening my loved ones by not trying hard enough. š„
This is the most honest Iāve been with myself about my situation. Iām surprised. I feel a huge sense of relief, but also a lot of anxiety about what I have to do now that Iāve said these things out loud (or to myself). After binge-watching 2 seasons in well under a week, I found myself truly immersed in the show. When Arisu was taking on challenges, not for himself, but for the good of the people in his life, that really spoke to me!
Alice in Borderland made me realize just how much Iāve been taking my life, and the people I love in it, for granted. It also made me realize just how much power Iāve been giving away to fear, learned helplessness, the imaginary people or systems who I think will eventually come and save me, the thoughts and opinions of the people in my life, and just how important I think I, or any of my choices, are to the rest of the world. š¤·š½āāļø
While I was explaining to someone how I wasnāt going to apply to an āimperfectā job that I critiqued my way out of, a job that actually would have been a great fit, an honest friend said to me,
āHoney, youāre not going to save the world.ā
While I initially thought, who the hell are you to tell me I canāt solely apply to āperfectā jobs, get one, make my mark, and change this sh*t for the better?! I now realize just how much of a superiority complex one would need to have to think that way in the first place. šµāš« And even more than that, I realize how I tell myself that to distract from the fact that Iām a coward and am afraid of failing. Iām afraid of looking dumb. Iām afraid of being rejected. Iām afraid of people finding out who I really believe I am... A basic girl with low self-esteem, massive insecurity, and a superiority complex that causes me to judge others to make me feel good about myself. š©
While I know I have tons of positive traits and characteristics, I usually donāt focus on them, and thus, this is what my subconscious says daily. My conscious mind may be trying to big myself up, but my actions tell me what's really going on beneath all the fluff. Based on how I present myself to the world, this may come as a complete surprise to the people in my life, but here it is, folks. (2025 Dru: I'm so proud of you for being this honest, and I'm grateful to you for saying this so we could work through all of these things in therapy and with our loved ones. Damn, this is beautifully raw. Proud of you! š«¶š¾šš)
After Alice in Borderland, I know that just because this has been my past, it doesnāt mean it has to be my future. I realize that life is just a game, and now Iām down to play! As of today, Iām starting Life, After. Iāll be documenting it here for anyone whoās curious or wants to follow me as I figure out what it means to be a realized human. š±š½